


Just what the hell is a wonderwall, anyway

by mikansei



Series: All the roads that led us here [1]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Gen, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-02
Updated: 2013-12-02
Packaged: 2018-01-03 04:58:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1066039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mikansei/pseuds/mikansei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Sometimes, there’s nothing you coulda done. Sometimes people just break.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just what the hell is a wonderwall, anyway

“…Tsuyoshi. What are you implying?”

Gintoki is eating at his favorite dango stand when he hears Katsura arguing with someone; he can’t make out what the other man's saying until Katsura pauses.

“I’m saying he abandoned the movement when it counted— I don’t think he’s reliable.”

“For your sake, I’ll forget you ever said that,” Katsura snaps – _snaps_? – and Gintoki pauses with the dango skewer halfway to his mouth. “Your brother held him in high regard.”

“If the Shiroyasha hadn’t left, maybe my brother would still be—”

His stomach lurches and a cold feeling wraps around the back of his neck; only long years of practice crushing down dread keep him from flinching. He almost misses the two men coming to a stop near the dango stand.

“Maybe I didn’t make myself clear,” Katsura says with a voice like live steel; “ _Stop talking_.”

Having finally realized he’s overstepped his bounds, Tsuyoshi mutters apologies and quickly makes himself scarce. Katsura’s feet turn toward the dango stand and he gasps. “Gintoki…”

His head is suddenly heavy and he can only bring himself to look as high as the knot of Katsura’s monk robes.

“…Hey, Zura.”

Katsura looks around, scanning the area before he sits down behind him. “I’m sorry you had to hear that. If he ever shows his face around me again, I am going to tell him at length just how wrong he is.”

“He’s not, though,” Gintoki says, and immediately wishes he’d just brushed it off with an _It’s okay, don’t worry about it_ instead.

“Gintoki—”

The rustling of fabric tells him Katsura’s turned around to look at him; he can’t bring himself to look back. “I just… up and left one day. There’s no other way to spin it.” He swallows. “That’s Hiro’s little brother, right? I can’t blame him for being mad at me.”

“Well _I_ certainly can—” Katsura cuts himself off with a swear; a distinctive black and gold uniform is walking up the other end of the street. “Is it alright if I come over later?”

“Inviting yourself in, huh? …Of course it’s alright, you idiot. Now get outta here before the first captain blows you up.”

Katsura stands up, but before he leaves he puts a hand on Gintoki’s shoulder and leans close.

“No matter what he says, it’s not your fault. Please try not to let him get to you.”

And he’s fine, he thinks, so he wonders why there’s a lump in his throat.

Must be the dango.

—

Thankfully, Okita didn’t look twice at the monk fleeing the dango stand. He hangs out for a while; Gintoki considers ditching him, but his only mistake is to have bad timing, and it’s a nice half hour’s distraction.

Now that Gintoki’s back home, it’s harder to distract himself. The kids are downstairs helping out at Otose’s – and he would join them if he wasn’t waiting for a terrorist houseguest – the TV broke a few days ago and still doesn’t work right, so he tries reading back issues of Jump to pass the time.

_“If the Shiroyasha hadn’t left—”_

But it’s not working.

He tosses the Jump on the table and pinches the bridge of his nose; maybe if he forces himself to think about something else…

_“You wanna get back at Oogushi-kun, huh— have you tried putting mayo in his shoes?”_

_“Danna, we’ve known each other for ten years. He checks his shoes for mayo every time he puts them on.”_

_“Oh, that’s no good.”_

_“It’s no use, the ambush failed… Kiheitai, fall back!”_

_“Shiroyasha—”_

He sighs.

Katsura had better get here soon. What does he want, anyway? He’s probably going to spend the whole time talking about stupid Zura things like how he’s afraid his fridge and his toaster oven are having a torrid love affair—

There’s a dull crash and inside a second he’s off the couch, has grabbed his sword and is running in the direction the sound came from; his bedroom shoji slides open and he levels his sword head-height.

From the other end of it, having changed into regular clothes, Katsura stares back at him.

“You seem a little tense.”

He blinks. “…Uh. But— what—”

With one finger, Katsura delicately moves his sword aside and walks past him. “You moved your dresser since the last time I came in through your window.”

He lowers his sword and scratches the back of his neck. “So that sound was you falling on your ass?”

“I did not—” Katsura huffs indignantly over his shoulder before turning back around. “I fell on my _back_.”

He grins as he puts his sword away and flops down on the couch. “Yeah, the part of it that’s right above your legs, huh? Wish I coulda seen that. …What are you doing, anyway?”

“Making tea,” Katsura answers from the kitchen.

“Making— _oi_ , don’t say that like breaking into your friend’s place, scaring the piss outta him and then making yourself tea is such a normal thing to do.”

“I scared you?” Katsura turns the burner on under the kettle and sits down on the couch opposite Gintoki. “And I’m not making myself tea, I’m making you tea. You should really consider getting an electric kettle, by the way.”

“What. _Why_. I don’t want tea. And I don’t want to hear something like that from someone who thinks they still sell Famicoms.” He pauses. “…Yeah, you scared me. I heard that noise and vaulted over the couch like someone lit a fire under my ass.”

“Honestly, I was looking for a video game console at a video game store; anyone could make that mistake. And maybe the tea will help calm your nerves.”

“No, I’m pretty sure you’re the only one who could make that mistake.” He makes a dismissive gesture. “And I got issues tea won’t fix.”

“Then it’ll give you something to stare at awkwardly while you talk about them.”

It’s actually kind of thoughtful – in a normal way, not a Zura way – and Gintoki is mometarily speechless. “…Oh, I don’t— it—” he stammers. “It’s just… you know. The old days.”

“Ah, wait, don’t start, you don’t have anything to stare at awkwardly yet.”

He smiles; now _that’s_ more like Katsura – he gets up to check on the kettle and Gintoki feels a little more at ease. “You idiot. I always gotta play the straight man when you’re around, oi – it makes me sound whiny and that’s Pattsuan’s job.” Katsura opens a few cabinet doors looking for something with no luck. “Cups are in the top right. Where’s the creepy duck thing, by the way?”

“Keeping watch out front for Shinsengumi, and Elizabeth is not creepy.”

“Oh yeah, that’s real inconspicuous, I’m sure.”

Katsura hands him a cup of tea and sits down next to him and Gintoki actually finds himself staring awkwardly at his cup. He looks away, annoyed at himself, and waits for Katsura to say something.

“I want to apologize again for Tsuyoshi’s behavior today.”

“Nah, don’t kick him out or anything ‘cause of me.”

Katsura shakes his head. “He has no right to say things like that – and what’s worse, he put you on edge for it. You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to, but… I’m here if you do.”

He doesn’t want to talk about it, _any_ of it, _ever_ – as far as he’s concerned, denial and avoidance have served him just fine over the years – but the cold feeling grabs him by the scruff again and hisses in his ear:

Is it self-preservation or self-indulgence?

“…Maybe I should,” he mumbles. “D’you want to know why I left, back then?”

There’s a pause. “If you want to tell me.”

He deserves to know, so Gintoki keeps talking. “You just gotta promise – and it’s not fair of me, but – you gotta promise not to hit me.”

Katsura nods, confused and a little worried. Gintoki takes a minute to gather his thoughts.

“It had all been… too much for me for a long time. But, you know, it was like that for everybody. Every other day we’d fight and leave more friends behind to – to _rot_ – and when we weren’t fighting… I started to dread waking up because it meant another day of it. I started to dread going to sleep because it meant waking up to another day of it. But it was like that for everybody.

“Then a few days after Tatsuma left, when Takasugi took that hit to his eye and I knew, I _knew_ we were out of antibiotics and he was as good as dead… I sat up that night and just stared at my sword and thought: I didn’t have to wake up to this again. I actually drew it. I drew my sword and turned it on myself and the thing that brought me back was – it was the stupidest thought – I thought ‘I probably don’t even know the right way to commit seppuku.’

“I was so disgusted with myself, and _scared_ of myself, that I just… started running. I left my sword behind ‘cause I didn’t trust myself with it. When I wasn’t— when I was… better, I thought I should go back. You probably hated me, if you were still alive, but I should go back. But it had been maybe a month and I still didn’t think I could pick up a sword without wanting to— if I couldn’t trust myself with my own damn sword, I had no business going back. So I didn’t.

“For quite a few years after that I didn’t do a whole lot of living; I drifted, I guess, for a long time. I was half sure you were rotting in the ground somewhere, so when you found me again… even if you hated me, it was good to know you were alive.”

It’s an abrupt place to stop but he’s run out of things to say and his throat is dry. When he looks up, Katsura’s expression is unreadable for the hand covering his mouth; he’s probably angry – Gintoki sets his cup on the table and says “Now, you promised not to hit—”

Katsura moves and Gintoki squeezes his eyes shut. He might be able to dodge; he doesn’t try.

But when the arms around his neck don’t try to strangle him, he opens his eyes. “Gintoki,” Katsura’s voice wavers against his ear, “I never knew—” He pulls away and his eyes are soft; there’s no accusation in his tone. “Why didn’t you tell me then?”

Gintoki shakes his head. “You were stretched thin enough as it was, carrying the whole damn resistance on your shoulders. If I’d told you it just woulda given you one more thing to worry about. I couldn’t do that to you.”

“But I…” Katsura trails off and Gintoki watches his eyes dart back and forth, mind rifling through memories. He looks up again with a helpless insistence Gintoki’s all too familiar with. “I could’ve done something.”

Gintoki smiles ruefully. “Sometimes, there’s nothing you coulda done. Sometimes people just break.”

Katsura shakes his head. “I don’t want to accept that.”

“I know.” Gintoki’s smile turns fonder.

They sit for a while; Gintoki picks up his abandoned tea and sips at it, and if Katsura leans in and puts his head on his shoulder, well, he doesn’t say anything about it.

**Author's Note:**

> There's [a picture](http://crybug.tumblr.com/post/102164934552/good-friends-and-tea-companion-piece-to-this) that goes with this. Hope you enjoyed~


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